May She Rest in Peace

That would be Super Bowl – er, uh, yawn, yawn – XL. Another Super Bowl event has come and gone and once again the NFL world has proven that the game sucks – it’s boring. Maybe the two weeks, which is absurd, to sit around and wait for the game to begin, we somehow, which is hard to believe after all these years, convince ourselves that there is going to be something special about the game, besides the commercials.

I’m getting too old to care anymore which is probably why I feel the way I do about the game. With that said, here are my suggestions for changes to the game and why.

The Uniforms – Pittsburg and in particular, Seattle displayed the two ugliest uniforms in NFL history. The uniforms should display better the attitude of the game and players. Therefore, I am suggesting pink dresses for quarterbacks, straight jackets for players who can’t control themselves after running 15 yards, only to be called back by a penalty.

Linemen should wear baggier clothing that doesn’t reveal their rolls of fat and long hair must go. All players need to undergo extensive training on the proper way to wear a baseball cap – visor goes in the front. Tight fitting black scull caps should be banned. We all want to see what their hair really looks like.

One last thing about uniforms. Officials will get rid of black and white striped jerseys and replace them with t-shirts that say, “I’m with stupid!”

Penalties – To eliminate penalties called on all punts and kick-offs, officials with gather behind the visiting team bench during those plays and discuss whose turn it is to make a stupid call.

Instant Replay – Lose it. Seldom is needed and slows up the game. During “further reviews” television broadcasters are going to commercials instead of showing us the replays 684 times in a row, while a blind and ample mouthed commentator orates about why it will or will not be overturned only to find out he’s always wrong. (I have it on good sources that when the referee goes under the hood, he plugs into the audio from the broadcasters booth. Waits until the announcer has made his prediction, and then runs back out onto the field to announce just the opposite.)

Capital Punishment for Fans – this needs to be instituted to any fan that is not original enough to find something else to do but twirl a towel in the air. Second would be for the tomahawk chop.

Coaches Must Wear Decent Clothing – No more sweatshirts. All coaches should wear the Tom Landry apparel of NFL coaches – bowties and derbies. One more thing that I won’t give its own category. When you have a coach with a birth defect, oh, let’s say a lower jaw that protrudes farther out front than the bow of the USS Enterprise, it should be removed.

No Coach to Quarterback Communications – Let’s go back to something unique. Let’s have a quarterback with a brain. No more calling of the plays from the sidelines. The quarterback has to call his own game only with the assistance from time to time from the sidelines. No cryptic hand signals, nothing. It became obvious in the Super Bowl that neither quarterback was able to always know which sideline his team was on and when talked to by their coach through the helmet speaker, they cried uncontrollably.

When Is A Touchdown and Touchdown? – A player has to cross the goal line with the ball firmly in control. Run around for a minimum of 5 seconds. They can mimic pumping iron, making a phone call, doing an original dance or just screaming uncontrollably. This 5 seconds of showmanship and class act, will be followed by a ferocious spiking of the ball in the end zone. After further review, it has been determined that a player may run and jump into the stands instead, providing the player isn’t a lineman, aping a receiver and he’s too fat to jump. Once these acts are complete, then and only then will a touchdown be called. If a player fails to properly spike the ball, the ball is brought out to the twenty yard line and they get to try it again. I know you thought I was going to give the ball to the other team. That wouldn’t be fair now would it.

Dumping Gatorade on the Coach – Simple, the practice may continue only if two things happen first. One, replace the Gatorade with acid and secondly, if the coach has continued to call bad plays throughout the game, lose track of time, or pushes his hair up out of his face too often, causing his team to be totally embarassed, then douse him.

No More Trash Talking – Instead of trash talking, referees will carry switch blades. As soon as two players begin posturing and mauling before, during and after every play, the referee will throw a black flag, issue the two confrontational players a blade and let them take care of business. The strongest team will eventually win the game.

Sports Commentators, Analysts, Color, Sideline Announcers, etc. – Get rid of them all. They’re all stupid and talk way too much. Do they even know nobody is listening?

One Last Thing – and this is the most reasonable of all of these. Each team shall have no more that 11 players total. All eleven players will play both offense and defense. If a player is injured and cannot return to the game, the game will continue with one team playing with one less player. If for some reason, all players are too injured to play or dead, then the decision of who shall win the game will be left up to Joe Theisman, Paul Maguire and Mike Patrick. None of these have seen a football game in years.

Tom Remington