An Open Letter From Your Friendly Local Hippie Leftover

by Kenshin

Dear America:

All right, all right! You caught me out.

For decades, I’ve been prancing around the country, swinging my tired old placards (as long as it’s nice weather!). I’ve littered your street corners with my heartfelt protests, claiming to have America’s best interests at heart. Claiming to care about “issues.” Like the times I’ve put our President on trial for “war crimes,” compared him to Adolph Hitler, and likened the 9/11 victims to Nazi bigwig Adolf Eichmann.

I’ve been bragging that my dream candidates could “do better” than this administration, which, as I keep reminding you, has lied to the American people, rushing us into a bloody, futile war-for-oil, just to make his Halliburton buddies rich (Yes, it’s my very own clumsy sleight-of-hand attempt so you won’t look at anything our side wants to sweep under the rug, like me pretending to be an Indian or something).

And I’ve screamed blue murder about the lying liars of the Republican Attack Machine, simultaneously blatting out slogans about the unfairness of tax cuts for those selfish rich people, and a woman’s right to choose to dismember her newborn.

I’ve pretended that weapons bans will protect citizens and keep guns from the hands of criminals, and I also have to say I am doing pretty good in my scheme to remove God from the classroom, the courtroom, and (if luck is with me), even from the Church!

(All the while making the world safe for internet porn and Islamic terrorists).

Well, the jig is up. I confess:

I can’t think.

Not a bit of it! I can’t add two and two, even if I count on my fingers! Duuuude! Too many bong hits, I guess.

The truth is, all I can do is project. Accuse you, the regular American, of schemes I myself adopt. As in launching wild ad hominem attacks, screaming “Halliburton!” and hoping some of it sticks to the wall.

I am pretty incoherent, when you come right down to it. I resent anyone who’s smarter, better-looking or more accomplished than I am. Not to mention better-smelling!

People like that threaten me, in ways that my teensy little dinosaur-brain (including the extra one in my butt I use to operate my back legs) feels deeply but cannot express, except in outbursts like “Duuuude!” or “Halliburton!”

But it’s not my fault! I can’t help myself. George Bush and his Republican Attack Machine—oops, there I go again!—are hell-bent on making it impossible for hippie leftovers and slackers (like yours truly) to get along.

They actually want—no, demand!—that I produce. That I become a contributing member of society, like getting a real job, paying taxes, and not telling my kindergarten students that Bush sold our ports to foreign terrorists.

The nerve.

So thanks, GWB and company, for ‘outing’ me to the world. Now, everybody knows I’m a vermin-infested, traitorous little malcontent. And it’s all your fault.

Oh, and PS: HALLIBURTON!

Yours Truly,
Jay Ward Churchill Bennish the Third

—copyright 2006, The Sword Heart Scrolls

Your Wish Is My Command

I apologize for being away so long. My real work has left me with little time as is the case right now. But I wanted to stop over and share a couple of things with you.

The first is a question that, if nothing else, I hope will make you do some serious thinking. I’m not trying to start a new rumor nor am I attempting to slander the name and reputation of anyone. I am simply trying to incite thinking toward what we may be facing in the not-too-distant future.

Most of you have probably heard about the debacle involving the Moussaoui case, where a lawyer or lawyers for the prosecution were caught sending notices to future witnesses during the sentencing portion of the hearing. This of course is a no-no. Read more

The American Liberal President – A Movie Review, Sort of

by Kenshin

I’ve heard around town that some conservatives are wailing: “Why doesn’t President Bush SAY something about the war, or the ports, or gas prices?”

Because he’s the strong, silent, stubborn type. I can respect that. Sort of the opposite of Algore. Whatever nonsense the Partisan Media may spew, I suspect Americans like their presidents to be grownups, and not whiny, out-of-control girly-men.

Maybe even liberals do, as evidenced by a film made during the Clinton administration. The American President (1995, directed by Rob Reiner) starred Michael Douglas as the president and Annette Bening as his lobbyist love toy. It even contained Martin Sheen, whom I’m told Democrats believe actually is the president.

The American President is a liberal fantasy come true, positing the questions:

What if Bill Clinton wasn’t a draft-dodging womanizing pot-smoker?

And what if he was a WIDOWER?

It’s a simple plot, really, suitable for a dream: lefty lobbyist lands in White House, meets President, and they fall for one another. Hard. There’s a lot of high-schoolish giggling, then some vague threats from the Right Wing Attack Machine, and all ends happily ever after. The Liberal President even sends his sweetie a canned ham, because he’s so gosh-darn straitlaced and genuine he can’t get to his credit cards to order her any flowers, or even a single cigar.

The American President comes complete with all forms of lib-a-mania, like the clubby right-wingers (played, of course, by leftist Hollywood moonbats) calling the President’s girlfriend a “whore.” Oh, the humanity!

The Liberal President’s staff and the People beg him to retaliate: “Please! Make a speech about all this!”

So he does. He gets on TV and trumpets at his nemesis, “I’m a card-carrying member of the ACLU—why aren’t YOU?”

And the Right Wing Attack Machine flings up its arms and vanishes in the light of the Truth. Not content with that, the film tosses in everything in between guaranteed to keep the Tinseltown/Noo Yawk elite in starry-eyed heaven, beginning with the Liberal President being kind and cozy with his staff, just like the Clintons, and going right on through Condi Rice being reduced to press secretary and Colin Powell’s complete and total non-existence (we realize we are mixing regimes here; just bear with me on that), through bombing an aspirin factory in Libya (but feeling really, really, you know, GUILTY about it), to (joy of liberal joys!) global warming and guns.

It ends with the President himself vowing to “go door-to-door” and personally yank guns from the hands of law-abiding citizens throughout America. So you can see it pretty much personified The Liberal Dream.

And the left says conservatives are living in a bubble.

— The Sword Heart Scrolls, copyright 2006

Letter to President Bush

WILLIAM PENN FALLIN
Columnist
Douglas, GA Enterprise
Natchitoches, LA Times
Camden County, GA Courier

Dear Mr. President:

Leading America must be difficult when 60% of the people disapprove of your leadership. Although I supported you in both campaigns I find myself constantly struggling to remain among the positive 40%. Here are some reasons.

While I fully agree we are in a war for our very survival, (a conviction not shared by about half the population), I disagree with some things you are doing during these perilous times.

Let’s discuss energy. While I agree we are “addicted to oil” I disagree with your handling of the problem. According to a current US Geological Survey we are sitting on more than 16 billion barrels of oil in ANWR (5% of our annual needs for 30 years) and yet we cannot bring ourselves to drill holes in that God forsaken corner of the world. We allow enviro-nuts to prevent ANWR drilling in the name of “preserving caribou herds and pristine beauty,” while ignoring the fact that caribou herds tripled on the North Slope after we drilled there and “pristine beauty” is as yet undiscovered in ANWR.

Frankly, your administration and Congress have failed miserably with ANWR. Such inaction borders on insanity.

I agree we must find alternative fuels but why ethanol? 100% of our corn production, converted to ethanol would run approximately 15% of our 220 million autos. We simply cannot grow enough corn. Currently we use roughly 70% of our corn output for livestock feed, 25% for human consumption and 5% is exported. What would you change?

With the price of oil hovering around $60 a barrel why shouldn’t we concentrate on extracting the immense supply of oil from shale in the Rockies and from the sands of Alberta, Canada instead of chasing corn? And why are we not trying harder to convert coal to liquid fuels? It’s doable.

Everyone knows it’s dangerous to depend on oil from the Middle East. Even Venezuela is questionable. Speaking of Venezuela, why don’t we simply tell Hugo Chavez that the act of cutting off our oil shipments will be considered an act of war, whereupon we will embargo everything going into and out of his ports? And that we will freeze his assets in America, starting with his CITGO stations.

We cannot afford being cut off from foreign oil (for years) until alternate fuels are developed. In the intervening period oil is absolutely necessary; from ANWR, shale, sands, coal, corn, Venezuela, Mexico, Canada, Saudi Arabia, wherever.

Speaking of energy why are you not pushing nuclear power generation? Is it too logical?

Let’s discuss borders. I agree with your words but disagree with your actions. You speak almost weekly about immigration. You SAY we must protect our borders but you don’t follow through. You SAY we need a guest worker program (which I support) but you propose no plausible plan that works. You SAY you are against Amnesty while your proposed guest worker programs that smack of Amnesty. Although many college freshmen today require additional basic tutoring in 3R’s Americans generally understand the definition of Amnesty.

And now for the port debacle: You SAY we should grant control of terminals inside our ports to a Middle Eastern Country and you give good reasons to do so but again you fail to provide all the facts. You SAY Homeland Security will continue providing port security at the same time we learn the managing companies are responsible for hiring and managing security personnel for the actual terminals, including immediate perimeters. While we continue controlling areas approaching the docks, that action is not all encompassing from a security standpoint.

Partial truths (spinning) are simply unhelpful.

Most Americans (I believe) are opposed to our ports being run by foreign corporations/countries. Why are they present in the first place? Partly because we tax American corporations so heavily they cannot profitably run such companies.

Foreign based companies, including those who flood our markets with their goods, receive major tax advantages. Therein lies an important reason we are not competitive (worldwide) in manufacturing or in port management.

Speaking of security, you continue embracing political correctness, even when it comes across as utter silliness. Why do we body-search 5 year olds and 85 year olds in airports while young men (apparently Arab) walk through unchallenged, all in the name of PREVENTING RACIAL PROFILING? How can Americans take our security program seriously while such idiocy continues?

And what is grand about foreign investment in America? They already own over 20% of our nation’s assets and it grows as I type.

Sincerely,
Bill Fallin