Win a Dream Date with Saddam Hussein

He’s a poet! He’s a romance novelist! He’s got wealth in the form of 32 palaces (some slightly the worse for wear). He’s got power in the form of WMD’s (cleverly tucked away in oh, say Syria, or maybe West Hollywood). He’s got worldwide admiration in the form of slavering sycophants everywhere the left flourishes (“He was a secularist. And he educated women!”).

“Wow!” some of you are undoubtedly saying. “This sounds too good to be true! How do I get to meet this dreamy guy?”

Well, kids, hold on to your hats (not to mention vital organs). We here at the Institute of Nuance are about to make those dreams come true. We are running a contest, and the winner could be you!

“My gosh!” some of you are undoubtedly saying, “What do I get if I win?”

Here is what the lucky winner will receive:

On an unspecified date, you will be blindfolded and whisked away by masked, heavily armed thugs who will lead you (tied on the back of a camel) to an undisclosed location somewhere in the Middle East. There you will be un-blindfolded, clapped into irons, and subjected to a brief and perfunctory bout of questioning (which may or may not include gassing and/or intersecting with heavy factory equipment).

“Gee!” some of you are undoubtedly saying. “What next?”

Well, at no extra charge, your interrogation may be filmed for later unspecified useage, by Saddam’s hidden cameras! And then, provided you are still standing upright, or even if you are not, the actual meeting will take place.

Imagine you and your dream date, exchanging soulful and intimate glances, separated only by a cage of iron bars and a coterie of lawyers, some of whom are already earmarked for death! Saddam may even take it into his head to compose a poem in your honor! (Be sure to bring along a bag of chips).

And then, if you are truly one of the blessed (or perhaps only an innocent businessman), you will again be blindfolded, whisked off by more armed thugs to another undisclosed location somewhere in the Middle East, where your hands will be severed (again, at absolutely no extra charge to you)!

But wait! There’s still more. Have we mentioned that your Dream Date is also a world-remowned magician, capable of making entire ethnic populations disappear?

“Boy!” some of you are undoubtedly saying, “What do I have to do to win?”

It’s simple. All that you, the lucky contestant, have to do is this: write a two-page essay on why you want a Dream Date With Saddam Hussein. What is it you love about him? His fame? His wealth? The fact that he always got 100 percent voter turnout? His lovable hi-jinks with the Kurds? His ticks and fleas? Whaever it is, write it up and send it to us care of the Institute, where our fair and impartial panel of judges (some of whom may already have lost their heads) will sit anonymously in an unspecified back room of a four-star restaurant and grade the entries based on originality and amount of vodka consumed.

Who knows—if your entry is judged good enough, you may even get swept away to a secret Rape Room (at absolutely no extra charge to you)!

So write and mail your entry, and be prepared for that one AM knock on your door.

“Holy *&%$!” some of you are undoubtedly saying. “What’s the catch?”

Only one—winner must provide own gas mask and full body armor.

—-copyright 2006, The Sword Heart Scrolls