If I Were President

WILLIAM PENN FALLIN
Columnist
Douglas, GA Enterprise
Natchitoches, LA Times
Camden County, GA Courier

HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE BUSH’S JOB?

Frankly I can’t imagine why anyone would want the job. No matter what you do you know criticism is coming from all sides. I tried to imagine my thoughts (if I were in that job) during a day’s briefings. These things came to mind:

It’s early morning and I’m being briefed by CIA chief Porter Goss, Donald Rumsfeld and Condi Rice about the overnight horrors. First Goss tells me about the murdering Muslims’ roadside bombs and the threat of Iraqi Shiites saying they will fight with Iran if we attack. That bugs me but I know we cannot surrender. They are committed and we’d better be if we are to survive this war.

Next Rumsfeld fills in details about our military going into Pakistan after Usama bin Laden’s right arm, Ayman al-Zawahiri, the Egyptian thug who sits at bin Laden’s elbow. They got word he was going to dinner in a little village and our drones went in and took out the house. The problem was Zawahiri decided not go that night. Instead he sent two important members of his gang. We got them but once again we missed him. The down side is we also killed a few civilians and that has gotten President Musharraf in trouble.

Condi tells me Iran has made deals with Russia and China and has thumbed their noses at Europe and the US. That murderous maniacal president of Iran has threatened to wipe Israel off the map. He is spoiling for a fight. And he’s nutty enough to start one.

Condi reminds me that Vladimir Putin is a liar and is still thinking like a KGB agent. All those nice things Vladimir said to me while visiting my Texas ranch meant nothing. And of course Condi tosses in her daily reminder that Vincente Fox, my friend of many years, is sending Mexican troops across our border supporting drug runners and smuggling foreign agents into our country. I gotta do something about Fox but what?

Goss tells me China is violating every promise they have ever made so far as trade is concerned and they keep threatening to attack Taiwan with whom we have a treaty to defend against such an attack. Will China actually attack Taiwan? It depends on whether they think I will make good on that law passed in 1978 committing us to protect Taiwan.

That ugly little maniac in N. Korea is flexing his muscles again today according to my entire team. He is again threatening to send one of his missiles to California or was that ten missiles? I wonder how many nuclear warheads he really has. I realize our intelligence about such matters is iffy at best. I well remember CIA Chief (George Tenet) telling me that WMD’s in Iraq was “a slam dunk.” Slam dunk alright. Why didn’t Tenet tell me about Saddam sending those WMD’S into Syria before we invaded? He deserved to be fired.

Rumsfeld digs in on Hugo Chávez, Venezuela’s little commie president, sitting down there hating the USA and trying to kiss up to Castro. He’s also threatening to cut off our oil. Something has to be done about him but what?

It’s all over TV, Iran is threatening to cut off 35% of the entire world’s oil supply by blocking the Straits of Hormuz. That would take the rag off the bush for sure. Would they do it? I’m convinced they’re nutty enough to do anything.

What did you say, Condi, Chirac has threatened to nuke somebody? What got into him? Do you think the new leader of Germany (the lady, what’s her name) is going to be someone we can trust for more than a day? Thank God for Tony Blair, at least there’s one liberal we can trust.

Speaking of liberals, what the devil is getting into the democrats? It seems at times they have collectively lost their minds. When I sat there watching the Alito hearings and listening to Fat Teddy Kennedy braying about honor, truth and trustworthiness I couldn’t help remembering Chappaquiddick and Mary Jo Kopechne. Teddy ought to just shut up.

You don’t say; we have enough votes to defeat a filibuster over Alito without changing any Senate rules? Well, just wait until the next opening on that court if there is one. If either Ginsburg, Stephens, Breyer or Souter drop out all hell is going to break loose. The leftists will demand I appoint someone as far left as the one leaving. And there is no way I am going to even come close. No way. Now that will be a battle even I look forward to watching.

My dad really screwed up on Souter. He’ll never forgive John Sununu for that recommendation.

Still say you’d like to be president?